Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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