1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
