I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
