I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
