Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this beer tastes like vomit already
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
