she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
