meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
