i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.