I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
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That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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