FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
