It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
