walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
