I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
