Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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