she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
