just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
