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my being single is dangerous.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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