I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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