Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
