And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
