America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.