1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.