I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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