# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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