Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
