So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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