can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
