is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
