i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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