I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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