I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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