I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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