I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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