Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
