I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
