I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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