he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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