I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
