hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
