I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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