I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
