This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
