It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
two words...techno handjob
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
