Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
