he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
