she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
