dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME