Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
