The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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