He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
