I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
