I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
