u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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