just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
