I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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