Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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