I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.