I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
