3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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