Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
