I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well I just put wine in my tea
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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