No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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